4WD Mum

Carsguide was a great source of mirth thanks to the mums testdriving 4WD. The 4WD parent is not the exclusive domain of the mum but primarily during the week mums are behind the wheel.

Natural habitat: Bumping into gutters and blissfully charging over speed humps out the front of schools, kindergartens and creches.

Not likely to see: Dirt. The closest this mum or dad and their car will come to dirt is when they lift their child into the rear seat after a muddy football game.

Related to: Pram marching mum. One of the justifications for purchasing a vehicle that is more expensive than a similar quality car, with similar safety features and uses more petrol is to fit in the equally large pram. There is also a hierarchy related to the size and cost of the pram and 4WD.

Quote: Any of the shallow mums at Carsguide would suffice.

Role Model: Celebrities and any prestige 4WD (SUV) are the role model. Obviously the Becks are the gold standard. Or any parent doing the drop off in a BMW X5, Audi Q5 or Mercedes M Class. They can afford a big car, with comfort and safety features that you will find in a much cheaper car.

So far:

Pram Marching mum
Tracksuit mum
Wanna-be hippy mum
Corporate Dad
Martyr mum
Corporate Mum
Stay at home dad
Hippy Mum

The Crying Room

It is not called the Crying Room without good reason. Many parents lament their inability to go to the cinema and watch the latest release without organising a baby-sitter, so a crying room would seem to be the perfect solution.

Located in prime viewing within the two main auditoriums are the perfect facilities for cinema goers with babies. Comfortably seating seven people, each crying room creates a unique and exclusive experience.

My wife and I tried this once and I emphasise once. Being a man of high culture I convinced my wife to see Borat with our 3 month old daughter, with the plan being that she (daughter) would sleep through most of it.

If you think that THX surround sound advertisement at the start of a movie is annoying, it is really annoying when it wakes up a baby. To cut a long story short our daughter didn’t sleep and we tried every distraction technique possible, whilst trying to remain quiet (because another family was using the room) and enjoy the movie. The relaxing, escapism and entertainment that you get from going to most movies did not happen. I think we were more stressed after the movie.

Since then latest release movies have been few and far between and disappointingly, I haven’t been culturally enlightened by the movie Bruno.

Now personally I would never publicly admit to downloading torrents of the latest movie, I have just heard that some people, and parents of young families in particular, do this.

Mostly a DVD works fine but as readers of this post may have gathered my preferred choice of movie is not typically a quiet, educational documentary. I like action and comedy and the more car chases, gunfights and raucous humour the better. The latest Bourne something or other is perfect when the kids go to bed.

Kids and dogs

I quite like dogs, some of them can be cute and a lot of them have some very practical purposes, including getting people out of their house for exercise and this is where my problem exists. Following is a chronological but far from exhaustive list of dog incidents that I have had:

• Whilst playing football as a teenager a family dog decided to join in and tackle my ankle.
• Whilst walking on holiday a dog bit my ankle and the owner then yelled abuse at me for getting bitten. A fun few hours then ensued in the search for an out of hours doctor to administer a tetanus shot.
• Whilst running dogs have snapped at my ankle too many times to recall individual instances.
• I have watched a mate sail through the air and end up in hospital for x-rays and cuts. He tripped over a dog lead stretched across the path, in the twilight.
• More amusingly dogs routinely chase and snap at my ankles whilst I ride my bike.

These tales of woe have nothing to do with being a parent but I first became aware of dogs and kids just before becoming a parent. My sister entrusted the care of her 1 year old son to me for the afternoon. It was hard to explain to her how he ended up with dog poo all down his chin and jumper. She really didn’t want to hear that I was unaware that dog poo would be at the bottom of the slide.

The birth of my own child made me aware that our local playground was actually a pseudo dog litter box.  Dog owners liked that their dog could run round and round in the fenced off area, kick up chip bark and defecate freely in the corner. The park stunk of poo until the council put up a sign reminding people that dogs are not permitted in children’s playgrounds.

As I stated at the start I like dogs. It is the totally unaware, indulgent dog owners that I hate.

Here is some advice for all dog owners out there:

• Dogs are carnivores. They like meat. Little kids look very tempting to dogs.
• A dog bounding around unpredictably is terrifying to a child no matter how cute you think it is.
• It doesn’t matter how often you repeat variations on “He’s just having fun”; “He’s harmless”; “He loves kids” a screaming child is not going to be placated until the mutt is removed.
• Once a child is crying it does not want to pat your dog.

I have no idea what options exist for dogs playing and running and I don’t care. All I know is that when I take my children to a playground or park I will promise to prevent them from jumping on and biting other people; defecating all over the place; killing other wildlife; and destroying vegetation. I would be grateful if dog owners do that as well.

Pathetic dad

Pathetic dads are different to Corporate dads in that they seemingly rejoice in their inablity to care for their children. The big question is: Are they proud of their ineptitude or are they emphasising their mistakes so they won’t be given the responsibility again?

Natural Habitat: Stranded between the kids bedroom and the bathroom wondering whether to attend to the poo spillage, the child’s tears or search for new clothes.

Not likely to see: Out and about. These dads can’t dress their child and don’t know why their child would want to get out anyway. On top of that mum has probably worked out that either the child or dad would get lost out in the wild of the surrounding streets.

Related to: Corporate Dad. Both rarely pick up a power tool because last time they did blood was involved.

Quote: Well, you didn’t tell me that she needed to be fed whilst you were out. How was I to know what to feed her?

Role Models: These guys are in every movie and tv show ever made. They are to parenting what lice are to a dog.

• Tim Allen from Home Improvement.
• Homer Simpson from the Simpsons.
• Al Bundy from Married with Children.
• Ray Barone from Everybody loves Raymond

So far:

Pram Marching mum
Tracksuit mum
Wanna-be hippy mum
Corporate Dad
Martyr mum
Corporate Mum
Stay at home dad
Hippy Mum

Roller Buggy

This product fits more into the “Is that safe for kids?” category than the Pointless Product category. Things are literally on shaky ground when the promotional video shows it being used with a doll and the closing scene has a nice sense of drama – just when you think the buggy and doll are about to crash into the camera…. it veers off to the side! Those wacky Europeans.

The product website, Pixstudio, doesn’t try to baffle us with science, instead it is all about the design. Reassuringly the roller buggy is made of aluminium, plastic and rubber, it’s usage is alleys, parks and street and it will give “both parties a good time”.

Here are a few practical considerations:

• tiny little airless wheels are not going to glide over cobblestones
• the lack of steering means that to change direction you (and the baby) are going to need to seriously lean to one side or stop and physically shove the thing in the direction you want to go (this is called the “skateboard principle”)
• the “sportive” purpose sounds great and all but for safety reasons it is “not recommended that you exceed 15km/h”. That would rule out racing the thing down a hill in a park.
• It comes equipped with “hydraulic disc brakes”. These are most commonly used on cars, motorbikes and mountain bikes. All with the purpose of high load braking, often suddenly. Probably running at 14km/h and then jamming on a disc brake is not a good idea for a child without any head support.

Father’s day hypocrisy

Thank what ever god you worship that father’s day is over for another year. If you are reading this you have survived another Hallmark special occasion day and the seemingly never ending special father’s day special advertising special feature.

Just about every male knows that if the present you give to your mum, wife, sister, girlfriend or lover is a cleaning product or everyday kitchen appliance your life will not be worth living. A whole other post could be dedicated to the distinction between a toaster (everyday and not an appropriate gift) and a coffee machine (expensive, potentially “gourmet” and therefore a good gift). However, for some reason it is 100% OK to get dad a tool or something to clean the car with on father’s day. We have all read the reports that males do less housework than women but where are the reports on the maintenance and associated tasks that men traditionally do?

The problem with the tools and backyards products being promoted as father’s day gifts is that they mostly lead to work and jobs for men. What is the difference between a power drill and a vacuum cleaner? A screwdriver and a duster? A lawn mower and a washing machine? They all lead to jobs regardless of the gender.

What is the answer? One thing for sure is that it is not scented candles, floral soaps or pamper packs. Mum’s can have them.

Baby names

How did you or will you choose your child’s name?  In our house one of the major criteria was that the name could not be in the top 10 – 20 most popular names for that year but ideally not so uncommon that it was not on the list at all. Several times a name was agreed upon only to be ruled out after a check of the list.

Obviously the name needs to sound “right”, whatever that is. But many people place great faith in the meaning of the name or the origin of the name.

A while ago Times Online published a list of celebrity baby names. Some of them are listed below and I have guessed at the reason for these names.

Satchel I suspect the conversation in the Spike Lee/ Tonya Lewis Lee household followed the Anchorman script:
Brick: I love… carpet.
[pause]
Brick: I love… desk.
Ron Burgundy: Brick, are you just looking at things in the office and saying that you love them?
Brick: I love satchel.
Ron Burgundy: Do you really love the satchel, or are you just saying it because you saw it?
Brick: I love satchel. I love satchel.

Kyd: Not only did David Duchovny and Tea Leoni lack imagination they can’t spell.

Poppy Honey: You would think Jamie and Jules Oliver would have better taste than to combine poppy and honey.

Moxie CrimeFighter: I don’t even know who the parent, Penn Jillette is, but he was always going to have issues when it came to naming his kid. If you had spent 20 – 40 years wondering why you were named after two cheap plastic objects wouldn’t you want to exact revenge on the name world?

Scout, Tallulah and Rumer: Bruce Willis and Demi Moore have named Scout after an action character they have played, Tallulah after a character in the children’s story book Maisy and Rumer after all the rumours that have circulated in their celebrity lives.

Audio Science: Shannyn Sossamon wanted to form a band but got pregnant instead. She liked the band name.

On a completely unrelated topic are mum bloggers losers? Yes you read it here but you could have read it here first. If the insinuation is that mums that blog are lonely are dad’s even lonelier?

Pram Marching Mum

Facebook has a group for everything, racist, sexist, lovers and most importantly haters. 189 people are members of: “mums who want to run into people with their prams”. It is not even worth exploring why you would join a group that welcomes:

For those of us who get frustrated with slow people, window shoppers and indicisive people.
Also the people that reach in & touch our little treasures with who knows what on their hands.
If you know what it’s like to want to go on a bloody rampage with your pram.

Natural Habitat: Any sealed surface. The busier the better.

Not likely to see: The baby. It is hermetically sealed inside a waterproof, windproof, soundproof, sightproof plastic capsule.

Related to: Just about any parent. Corporate mum will run/ walk the pram to child care. Tracksuit mum will use the pram as a portable cot in a shopping centre. Fitness mum will use the pram to establish a clear pathway. Incompetent dad will use the pram to contain the mess whilst rushing home to get a change of clothes. And so on.

Quote: This is literally a quote from the facebook group….

Role Model: Gwyneth Paltrow pushing none other than a Bugaboo. With a kid named Apple or Leaf.

So far:

Tracksuit mum
Wanna-be hippy mum
Corporate Dad
Martyr mum
Corporate Mum
Stay at home dad
Hippy Mum

Flying foxes

Why are little kids so fascinated with animals? They can be smelly, dirty, scratchy, bitey, scary, slithery and jumpy. And the animals can be boring, elusive, dangerous and expensive. On the weekend just past, an animal was uncovered that prompts absolutely no response in a child.

Kangaroos, possums, koalas and even snakes are examples of native Australian animals that can entertain kids for at least a few minutes in a weekend. So how exciting would a bunch of Flying foxes be? Yes you read it correctly foxes that fly! Thankfully these rare creatures reside in Melbourne at Yarra Bend Park.

Well it was with trepidiation that we visited the Flying fox colony. The below image could easily be a video because nothing much changes during the day.

The 3 year old was nonplussed and the 6 month old is interested in anything he can put in his mouth, so with the bats being all the way up in a tree he couldn’t have cared less either.

Thankfully these kids are pretty easily amused. The 3 year old miss was pretty quickly off into the long grass, possibly looking for hibernating snakes because they look like great fun from behind a glass partition at the zoo. Simply standing next to a leafy branch was sufficient to entertain the little man. He did his best impersonation of a koala by nibbling some gum leaves.

It just goes to show that a kid can have fun without the purchase of a pointless product or expensive lessons.